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Teaching Self-Control by Linda Sonna, Ph.D. (from NetPlaces.com)
"When Cheyenne turned twelve, her mother became increasingly frustrated by her daughter's lack of respect. When she asked Cheyenne to do something, her daughter often talked back. Her mother got angry and sent her to time-out, grounded her, or took away a privilege. Recently, Cheyenne had become blatantly defiant, rolling her eyes disgustedly, saying that her mother couldn't tell her what to do, and threatening to go out without permission if she were grounded."
What would you do in this situation? What have you already done? Did it work? Did it have side effects that were less than optimum? Read More in this article->> and consider if it might work better for you and your children.
Teaching Children How Best To Benefit From Their Mistakes
By Elton Reynolds, Certified Parenting Educator
Director, Sensible Parenting, Pflugerville, TX
To be better parents, we may need to learn to be more accepting of our children's mistakes…recognizing them as a part of their growth and as a very important part of their learning process. We may find it easy to be loving, supportive, and helpful when our children are not making many mistakes, but most of us parents who are paying attention don't find too many mistake-free periods in our children's lives.
In fact, a child who is not making mistakes, is probably not learning very much either. Making mistakes is one of the ways that our children learn about life and the world in which they live. Do we teach our children to value their mistakes as opportunities for learning? Do we as parents value our mistakes? What do our children learn from us?
First, let us address and understand the difference between mistakes and misbehaviors. They are not the same thing. Mistakes (misunderstandings, making wrong choices, errors in judgment) are accidental, and occur without wishing or intending to do something wrong. Children don't enjoy or want to make mistakes!
Misbehaviors, (disobedience, acting up, naughtiness, mischief) are our children’s attempts to let us know about a need (or needs) that are not being met. The goals of misbehavior are however, based upon misunderstandings and mistaken beliefs about life. Even though the root for mistakes and misbehaviors is misunderstandings about life, our responses to mistakes should be slightly different from the ones for misbehavior.
This article addresses parental responses to children’s mistakes. In a future article I will address the four primary goals of misbehavior, how to identify them, and how to address them effectively. For now, we will focus on how to most effectively teach our children so that they may learn from their mistakes.
When our kids make mistakes, we get to make choices. We can either choose to create kids who are defensive and who lie to us …or we can make choices that help our children learn from mistakes. When our children fear punishment or the loss of love in response to their mistakes they learn to lie and hide their mistakes. They learn to blame others and not take responsibility. And they fail to learn the lesson that the mistake brings to them, and so often the mistake is repeated.
We are wise if we raise our children so that they do not develop a self-image that says, "I must be perfect to be loved." If they begin to believe, "I must make no mistakes or the love I want will be withdrawn," they will fail and will find ways (of thinking) so that they can make others responsible for their failures (or deserving of the transgression) to remain comfortable in their own skin. We as their parents, as their teachers, do not want them to learn (to believe) that if they make mistakes they are undeserving of our love.
If our children begin to believe that our love is conditional, it is hard for them to fully accept our love and support, even when it is expressed. It is also difficult for our children to set high standards for themselves, because they tend to be fearful of failing. They become risk adverse.
The following are some of the things we can do to; help our children learn from their mistakes; be less afraid of making difficult choices; and to be willing to consider and take developmentally appropriate risks in order to grow.
1. Most importantly, accept that your children are doing the best they can, and that they will learn more (and faster) from their mistakes if they are in an environment that accepts mistakes as learning experiences.
2. Understand that your difficulty with your kids' mistakes is in fact a reflection of your difficulty dealing with your own mistakes; be aware of this and deal with your own issues first
3. Be mindful, and watchful for the things we say and do that make our children feel disrespected, incompetent, or shamed.
Here are a few of them
• "That was stupid!"
• "You never listen to me!"
• "You can do better than that!"
• "What's the matter with you?"
• "I'm ashamed of you!"
Alternatives:
• "What did you learn from this mistake?"
• "What can you do different next time?"
• "How will you repair the mistake?"
Important: Don't automatically jump in and instinctively solve the problem or correct the mistake for the child when the child would be better served by being allowed to solve the problem on their own. Allow the child to learn, by the experience of natural consequences (pain, discomfort) and to be responsible for correcting the mistakes whenever and wherever appropriate.
4. Provide your children with (age appropriate) learning experiences. Give your children a rich environment to practice their skills and learn new ones…However, it is also important that you create and structure their environment so they can't make too many or too big of mistakes (like having expensive artwork, breakables, guns, knives, etc. around the house where there are small children.)
5. Ask yourself what kind of a role model you are for your children. How do you react to your own mistakes? Do you get defensive and stretch the truth, or do you "own" the mistake and learn something from it? Do you blame others for your mistakes or accept responsibility and do make-ups for mistakes that hurt others? Are you too hard on yourself when you make mistakes? Do you have to be perfect too?
6. Model the belief and create the culture that "mistakes are learning" around your house. Commit to living this philosophy no matter how serious the mistake that is made. Ask the question, "What did you learn from that?" as often as needed. Children are very capable of knowing when our words are not in agreement with our actions.
Check out your current relationship: One way you can learn how you are doing in this realm is to ask your child, "When do I get the most impatient with you (for making mistakes)?" Listen to their response and tell them that you're going to make an effort to improve how patient you are with this issue.
Adapted from its original content in, "Better Father Ecourse," by Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC